I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
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