you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
