ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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