I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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