They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
