I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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