I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
