70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
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Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
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My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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