There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
