Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
