It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
