you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Randomize
