Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
