I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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