His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
