Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
