id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
BRING THE BAGELS
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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