This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
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