i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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