I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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