So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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