so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
we're so committed to being not committed
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
