Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
