Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
