I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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