He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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