I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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