What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
The adults are the big ones right?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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