I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
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That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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