im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
