I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
