I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize