I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
he thought i was a dude.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Randomize
