I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
