hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
