I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
