Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
