My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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