I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
