I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
