an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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