I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
