I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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