I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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