I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Randomize
