i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
