you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
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