I wish I could teleport
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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