Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
