if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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