I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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