We named our party play list daddy issues
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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