is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
