Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Randomize
